Wow! It has been a hot minute since I've written here on the blog. And to be honest it has mostly to do with the fact that my husband and I are expecting. The first trimester takes a lot of energy out of you and I had a difficult time keeping up with my regular wifely duties and work duties. So a little break from the blog was well needed.
My husband and I are so excited about this baby on the way, but to be completely honest it was really difficult for me at first. The Lord was gracious to get me through that first part of pregnancy, and the fears and anxieties that came with it. And now I'm standing on the other side feeling a lot more excited and a lot less fearful, though fears can sometimes still rise up.
Though this is a beautiful season the Lord has me in right now, I have seen a friend of mine lose her baby just recently, and I know that there are others who have had miscarriages and are entering in to a time of mourning. That's why I decided to put up this post on ways that helped me heal through my loss.
Healing from a miscarriage or loss of a child is by no means a step by step process. Everyone grieves differently, and there are different lessons God has for you than what he had for me. He's a personal God who meets us right where we are, and your place may look a lot different than mine.
However, these are things that helped me. I am no expert on this topic. I have lost one child that I still grieve and will most likely grieve for until I meet them in Heaven. But I know a lot of women who unfortunately lost babies as well, and I was beyond grateful for the wisdom that they were able to give me when I struggled through healing. And so here I am trying to share a little bit of that wisdom in hopes that you may be comforted as well.
So, here are 7 tips to consider while you heal:
1. TRY NOT TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
When I lost my first baby, there were babies everywhere. Two of my close friends had babies, and if the same thing is happening to you, or perhaps you're seeing other little babies just randomly everywhere you go, you need to remember that their baby is not your baby. And their story is not your story.
In John 21:22 Peter is comparing himself to John. Jesus spoke to Peter, signifying by what death he would glorify God, and Peter wanted to know how John was going to die! Can you even believe that? How rude. Jesus responded by saying this: "If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me."
God has written different stories for all of us. And He does have a perfect purpose for the hardships we face, though we may not see what it is now. Rather than compare your story to the woman next to you, cling to Jesus all the more and ask Him to grow you during this season.
2. PRAY ABOUT STAYING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR A SEASON
When you see other people with their children, that may be difficult for you. For me it wasn’t hard at first. But after some time, when I wasn’t allowed to try for a baby yet, it became more difficult to see things posted online. Whether it be a friends pregnancy announcement or just someone posting a video of their child. Social media can hinder healing.
It’s okay to cry. Weep for what would have been. But then give it to God and trust His plan.
I love this quote from John Piper: "Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he's given you."
4. REMEMBER THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD.
It is not God’s obligation to give you children but a huge blessing. "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are that children of one's youth" (Psalm 127:3-4).
5. REMEMBER THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOURS
They are the Lord’s entrusted to you for a season. They have their own ministry here on earth. It’s all about God’s timing and when He wants their ministry to take place. Their ministry begins from the moment they are infants (maybe even before that), and God's timing is never wrong.
Just a side note, my mother had a miscarriage before she became pregnant with me. If my mom hadn't had that miscarriage I may have never been born! I think about the baby I am pregnant with now and think of how she wouldn't be here unless I lost my first. It doesn't make the loss easier, but it comforts me to know that God knew what He was doing and had a purpose for me, and has a purpose for the baby I'm carrying now.
6. KNOW THAT YOU'RE DIFFERENT, AND THAT'S OKAY
Some people grieve deeply, some have a hard time trusting God with this plan of His, and some seem to have overwhelming peace through it all.
Everyone grieves differently. This is a process that you have to go through- just you and God. This goes again with not comparing yourself to others. God wants to do something specific in you during this season, and when we compare ourselves to others I believe it can hinder the work God wants to do in you. Look to Him.
But know that other women who have experienced the same thing can offer wonderful wisdom and comfort during this time because they’ve been where you have been and can grieve with you the way no one else really can.
7. DON'T REGRET
My last suggestion is for those who have told family and friends that you were pregnant before losing your baby: don’t regret that you did.
Our culture is all about keeping your pregnancy to yourself until after your first trimester. Just in case you miscarry (which is totally okay, and everyone has to make that decision in their own marriages and between them and God). But whether you miscarry or not, you were pregnant, and you do have a child.
When my husband’s and my baby passed away we had to tell family and friends. It was hard. But these people were able to pray for us and support us in our suffering. Yes, waiting to announce our pregnancy probably would have taken off some emotional turmoil of having to share the bad news, but I don't regret that we did.
I have taken time to pray for those of you who are suffering through loss. If you would like more specific prayer, I am available. Go over to my contacts page and email me, or contact me through social media.
"So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped..." (2 Samuel 12: 20).