Life has been a little busy here in the Cornell home. My husband, Jacob, has been working on his master's degree while working full time, and I myself am working full time while trying to learn the ins-and-outs of home-keeping and being the wife God calls me to be.
Who knew that simply getting married would be so time-consuming? This must be in part why Paul says if you are single not to seek to be married (1 Corinthians 7). When you're unmarried you have more time for the Lord. Marriage, though it may take time away from serving the Lord, has been a tool that I believe God is using to sanctify me.
Being married can uproot a lot of insecurities in my life, and not the kind I expected. It's not insecurities of him seeing me when I'm not "made-up," or that he's there to see me as I hang my head over a toilet, sick, or that he sees me embarrass myself as I attempt my exercises and fail miserably at looking as if I know what I'm doing.
Being married uproots insecurities because he sees my very worst. He sees my sin and often becomes a victim of it.
I've built up a standard for myself that I will be the best wife he could ever have. Failure is not an option.
And so when I become grumpy and he begins to irritate me, I freeze up, trying to pick apart why I am upset or mad or irritated. I try to minimize it, and often try as hard as I can to hide it from Jacob. I don't want my husband to see my worst because I forget all the times in the past where he saw my worst and loved me still, sometimes even more than he did before.
I fail to realize that my honesty of sin in my life and honesty of my feelings (no matter how confused I am by them) is the very thing that allows the Lord to change my heart.
I am a sinner. Marriage has made me realize this more than anything ever has. And God is able to be glorified, even in the midst of sin, when I am honest and real. He can take it and begin to change me and make me more like Him.
When I hide the sin, I push it down deeper and keep it in my heart where it has an opportunity to emerge whenever it chooses. I don't need or want this. Not in my marriage, not in church relationships, and especially not with God.
And as I am honest with God, just as with Jacob, He will love me still. He always has and always will.
"He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy" (Proverbs 28:13).
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).